A Powerful Sweaty Hug

I heard recently that Asians don’t shake hands because they believe it is giving away their power. They politely bow to each other in acknowledgement in deference to respect and admiration.

You’ve got to love the idea of keeping our power for ourselves.

A sweaty friend of mine recently told me of an encounter where he gave his power away. His sweat has never bothered me. He is clean. He doesn’t smell. Hugging him has never been a problem and seriously, we are in Texas, Mother Nature’s oven.

Recently, my friend, in greeting shook someone’s hand. That person, in a position superior to him, immediately wiped their hand on their pants. Oblivious or obvious, unacceptable. The man I know was giving a piece of himself to this other man in kindness, gratitude and acknowledgement. That piece will never come back to him.

My question is how much power do we give away without thinking? In our busy lives, our time and energy is wildly valuable. How many times have you blown off the salesperson the first time they popped in your door with a quick handshake? You could politely say, “I already have the service you offer. Thank you for coming in but you are not needed at this time. ”

Powerful! You CAN say all of that. Just think about how that salesperson isn’t going to be coming in your door once a week to interrupt you now. They aren’t going to have you on their prospect list and be telling their boss they are going to ‘close’ your account in ‘x’ period of time. They aren’t going to be calling you on the phone when you are already talking on one line and have another on hold. You aren’t going to be irritated by the sight of them.

They may ask your permission to come back and visit and in an effort to stay in control you still are required to be honest. Say, “no, please don’t, let me call you if needed” if you mean it or say, “yes, you may come back to visit but I am not going to give you any promises.” They are doing their job and you are running your business.

No one wants to go where they are not wanted. By telling that salesperson what your needs are, up front, like the respectful business owner you are, you are saving your power for your real needs and you are letting your potential vendor save their power for their other customers or for when you do need them.

My friend won’t be giving his power away any more to anyone that might brush him off. He is going to save his handshakes for his customers who adore him and for me who digs his sweaty hugs.

Are You the Body Left Behind? - Part 2

Kelly Wilson and I were going to be friends forever. She got me through my first divorce and I got her to the altar when she got married. I loved Kelly and she loved me. In our 20’s we connected like sisters. I loved her energy, her family, her dogs... You get the picture. Kelly and I drank great wine together, loved to cook and entertain together, hot air ballooned together and shared more than a few secrets, together. After visiting her in Tulsa one beautiful spring 20+ years ago, I even moved to that Green Country city, on the strength of our friendship. A move I have never regretted.

Newly settled into my new city, I was into my career and Kelly, a new wife, was into cocaine. Apparently, Kelly used me as an ‘out’ when she was out and I was in.

I am the body that Kelly left behind.

Are you the body left behind? Does it hurt? How many people do you think about in the middle of the night when the world is still and realize that they have left you behind. No explanation, just behind. Done. When the world is still do you realize that you are running your business at break neck speed and that maybe you aren’t the one leaving the bodies behind? It just might be you who is being left behind. You might be the one loosing. Do you owe some apologies? Need some explanations? Reconciliation an option?

I have heard the saying about how people come into our lives for a reason, a season etc. But really, no matter the season, how many people have come through your front or back door and not getting the time or attention deserved, left you (and your business?) behind? How many employees have left your company and their leaving didn’t get deserved attention? How many customers left without explanation?

During more than one hour of centering prayer meditation over my lengthy silent retreat, my mind wandered to the people who have left me behind. I am filled with tears and questions and a sense of urgency to reconnect, if possible, and ask for forgiveness if necessary. How sad that I only now realize that during so many hectic years in business, when I wasn’t connecting, that I was the body left behind.

Please don’t be the body left behind.

Win-Win, Winners all Around.

My new silent retreat attitude and I have been able to spend a few days, alone, in Chicago; specifically downtown Chicago a breath away from the Magnificent Michigan Mile. I’ve been very concerned about keeping my silent retreat oaths to myself since I left the powerful cocoon of my retreat experience.

I need not have worried. You can do Chicago, alone, and still keep quiet. You CAN do your life and stay focused on your goals and intentions, ONCE YOU HAVE A CLEAR PICTURE OF WHAT THEY ARE!

How often do you sidestep your own plans to do something for your business? How often do you work late instead of going home just to make an extra buck? For instance, do you feel you have to be the last one out at night? Can’t sleep unless you personally lock the door? What about that $15.00 an hour employee that you trust explicitly because they are your best friend’s kid and you’ve known them their whole life? Could they lock up for you and answer those few last phone calls and take those few last orders and messages? You go home, have dinner with your family, play with your kids, stay OFF the phone and computer and then go to bed with a satisfied smile and your satisfied spouse/partner.

That $15.00 an hour employee just made a few extra bucks and they go home with a satisfied smile because you just empowered them. Think about it. Win-win, winners all around.

One of your goals spending more time with your family? If I can stay in downtown Chicago and keep my pledges to myself, you can go home.

Have a clear picture? Commit to it. Do it.

Out of the Silence, a Love Letter

The plan was to spend a significant amount of time during my week long silent retreat writing lots of thought provoking blog posts with messages, per usual, about ways for you to propel yourself towards success. I planned to give plenty of ‘food for thought’ with words about what you need to be thinking about in order to achieve your dreams. In my time of quiet, I knew I would be able to focus on what needed to be said to help you grow your business and grow your sense of satisfaction within it.

Instead, with no phone, no computer, no talking and no one, Praise God, talking to me, I wrote longhand, a 200+ page love letter to My children, Lia and Casey.

I’ve been writing ad nausea about getting quiet and how within it you would be able to see what you needed to do for your business, yourself and your family. I’ve tried to convey that if you didn’t achieve peace, you would not achieve success on any level. My Skeeter used to say to me, “You can run your business, but your sure can’t run your personal life”. In hindsight, if I had spent some time in silence, I just might have figured out how to be successful both professionally and personally, at the same time. I wouldn’t have had the ups and downs I did along the way.

This quote make infinitely more sense to me now: “A smart man makes a mistake, learns from it, and never makes that mistake again. A wise man finds a smart man and learns from him how to avoid that mistake altogether.” I was the smart man and out of the silence of this week long retreat, I am going to do what I can to be wise. Please, I implore, learn from me.

The love letter to My children is beyond powerful. Stories from my youth, from my marriages, lessons I have learned, have not yet learned and lessons I am desperate for them to learn from me. In long hand, everything I wish for them now and on into their futures. How much I love them and why and all the blessings I want laid out for them. How they have blessed me in unbelievable ways and how I know their children will also shower with me blessings unimaginable. Writing this letter over these last six days has been one of the most dynamic things I have ever done and I am amazed beyond compare to have had the quiet time to do it. Writing it had as much to do with healing and empowering me as I hope it empowers and blesses My babies.

Stop. Now. Make concrete plans to get silent. Write a love letter. Then and only then, get back to work.

The Bodies we Leave Behind- Part 1

I had dinner recently with a long time dear old friend. We are not a normal pair and from the outside mutual acquaintances probably wonder why we are so close. Even though we are different on many levels, we are in the same place right now-appreciative of quiet and space and full of gratitude and amazement over our respective children. Time flew while we dined, wonderful hours that felt like minutes.

While chatting we touched on a friend of my friend’s. A woman that I had had a brief encounter with years ago that, embarrassingly, didn’t turn out very prettily. I vaguely remember other people being involved and taking sides, terrible things being said and even some name calling and yelling. I remember this being a terrible time in my life. Divorcing my children’s Father, being in and out of court, trying to focus on running my business and being a new single Mom, I was not a nice person and was in anything but a nice place. This is not an excuse. I wasn’t nice and my behavior was not acceptable. Period. I take full responsibility.

What I don’t remember was what in the world our issue was. I don’t remember why we didn’t like each other and why we were so ugly and ridiculously mean. I have no idea why our claws were out and why our actions were so low and immature.

Has me wondering about the bodies we leave behind us. Running our businesses on adrenaline, how many people do we leave in our paths? Not giving the time or attention to people who could make a profound difference on our lives and the success of our business. Did we rush that interview for needing to get out the door and miss out what could have been an amazing hire? Did we cut that customer off and not listen to what they really needed causing them to take their money elsewhere? Were we thoughtlessly rude to a supplier who was just trying to take care of our business needs?

Do we forget to just stop, take a breath, live in the moment and give our full attention to someone in front of us? Do we let our emotions get out of control and not engage when we need to engage and HEAR?

I know in my heart my friend wouldn’t be so close to this woman if she wasn’t amazing. She doesn’t take relationships lightly so being close to this woman must be a blessing. How sad that I may have missed out what on what could also have been an amazing friendship. I’ve asked if I can join them for coffee someday soon. I’d like to apologize and reconnect. I’d like to recover this body instead of leaving it behind. I challenge you to stop leaving bodies behind.

Hyper Aware as my Rocket Ship Draws Closer

I find myself in a state of hyper awareness as I prepare for my own ‘rocket ship’- my silent retreat now just over a week away. I realize that every single person, abrasive, loving or neither, is in my path for a reason. There is a lesson to be learned or a connection to be made with every event, conversation and encounter.

I had a terrible, terrible day yesterday. A wildly out of control day, the kind of which used to be the norm for me when I was insanely running my business and living life-by-crisis. (Just as you are probably doing right now.) Now I am hyper aware that days like yesterday do not need to blindside me and that how I react to them makes all the difference in the world to my blood pressure and the redness in my cheeks. Not to mention relational damage. I choose to not have out of control days anymore so I am overly sensitive to how the day blindsided me and made conscience decisions in how I reacted to it.

After my hysterical day, I made it to my hotel very late. Weeping during the long dark drive like an idiot because all I really wanted was to be going home somewhere to someone special who would draw me a long soak, scrub my back, pour me a glass of wine or three and tell me that everything was going to be all right. That I was doing the right thing and what I had to offer was of value.

But somewhere between the hotel front desk and my room, I dumped my pity party and realized that I was in control of the way I responded to my day and the events that had unfolded in it and that my weeping was irrational. I realized that I needed to step back from my sense of out of control, call on my faith and take care of myself and my own circumstances. I drew my own bath, shaved my legs and fell back on my hyper-aware senses.

I worry about all small business owners who day after day are living out of control inside of their businesses and know clearly that this does NOT need to be the norm. In hindsight, I can only imagine how much more successful I would have been had I run my business in the moment in a state of full awareness every single day. How do we take the feeling of hyper awareness and translate it into how we lead, run, manage and grow our passion for our businesses into success? How do we learn to grow from a position of quiet and awareness instead of one of insanity?

This is what ‘it’ is right now, for all entrepreneurs. We have the choice to step back, lead and manage. My hope for you is that you do what you can to put yourself in a position to revisit how you are running your business, treating your customers and leading your employees. You are challenged to take the time to put yourself into a state of hyper awareness.

Proud to be a Helicopter Momma

My son Casey and I texted this morning. Then we went to church. Then we went to breakfast. Then, as if it was any other day, we hugged, kissed, said, “I love you” and ‘be safe” and getting in our separate cars, went our separate ways. Not to see each other again for at least two months.

My Momma tears were extra hot and salty as I drove away waving to him through the back window of my little green car. Same tears that fell a month ago when I said the same, “I love you more” to My Lia knowing I would not see her for almost four months.

My Lia and My Casey far away in other states while I am left behind to sweat out another dreafdul hot Austin, Texas summer. My children on their own. Me, on my own.

My friend Jack has accused me of being a hoover Momma. (Not Hoover like the vacuum cleaner; hoover like a helicopter.) This surprising revelation came on an evening when my hysteria resulting from a few overly stressful weeks was reaching a crescendo. I was in the middle of ridiculous travel, it was dark outside and I had just battled not only Houston tailgating traffic (massive diesel pickup trucks with brilliant bright spot lights speeding up turbo fast on my little green car’s tail) but too many long and drawn out cell phone conversations. Jack is such a gentleman though that he spit out this piece of information only after he had plied me with really great wine and ordered me a sublime dinner in a teeny little high-class one of a kind restaurant. My favorite kind of dining experience.

I immediately took a defensive posture. Silly me. Jack is a very brilliant man and I am very blessed to know him and his bride. They are those once in a lifetime special people and even though I have only known them a few short years, I have heard stories about them for almost two decades. They are the most generous people I will ever meet. I say this all with sincerity as blowing smoke isn’t my style.

In the windshield and beach walking time since Jack’s revelation about my parenting skills, I have come to realize that he was spot on. But not spot on as expected. Spot on as in the amount of possessiveness contained in my ‘My’ words, actions and writings. Yes, I am a hoover Momma but in a dramatically nontraditional whirling helicopter sense.

As a single Momma and business owner, my babies were forced to take care of themselves in ways no one hopes their children will ever have to take care of themselves when they are small. Nine plus mornings out of ten they got themselves up, dressed, fed and ready for school without me there. On these mornings we would see each other only in the car long enough for me to pick them up from the house and drop them off at their respective schools. More often than I care to remember, I couldn’t make it back home from work in the morning and they would have to find a way to school themselves either by calling a friend to have their parent drive them or by walking. I’ll admit now there were even a few days when they just stayed home and we called it a ‘mental health’ day because I just couldn’t play taxi.

My children learned at a very early age how to do their own laundry or sometimes it wouldn’t get done. They learned how to get their homework completed on their own. And while I was out feeding everyone else on the planet, they were getting themselves fed with whatever might be in the house and available to eat. They can boil water, bake chicken and grill their own cheese sandwiches. They can load a dishwasher, fold a bath towel and make their beds.

The three of us have had many conversations about how proud I am of their ‘life’ skills. They had no choice but to learn them. Are my children an exception? Absolutely not. There are gazillions of single parents and business owners out there whose children are raising themselves and have raised themselves. Is this a tough stretch? You bet. Might our children be better off for it? No doubt at all. Do you feel guilty? Yes, you do. Should you? No. Get over it. When your children get to college they will know how to manage their own homework, do their own laundry, get themselves and their roommates fed and get gas in their car without needing to ask how, why or how much. Your children will be much stronger and resilient to change and movement. They won’t be afraid to ask questions and seek answers from authority if needed. They will be grownup in ways some people can only hope their children could be grown up.

Am I a hoover Momma? Sure, I’ll take the title. I am a hoover Momma in that I enjoy and appreciate my children and the amazingly close connection we have. We don’t talk every day and during this long summer, I’ll be lucky to hear from them once a week. But when we do connect, we’ll want to know what is going on, where we are going, what needs to be planned, who we are each spending time with, how work is and what we can do to help each other to be as successful as possible. I don’t ask them what they ate, if their laundry is done, how they paid their bills and how they got from point A to point B. I will ask them if they are happy and I will tell them I love them madly and am proud of them and that I am the luckiest Momma in the world.

If this is hovering, I’m all over it. Thank you, Jack, for deliberately and brilliantly taking my mind off of everything else in my life on that dreadful Houston night and for paying me such a high compliment. I’d like to share it with all the other tired business owners out there who are feeling guilty right this moment for working instead of doing something for or with their children. You do deserve praise and you are setting a ‘life’ example for your children. Promise.

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