Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

Next phase, conceptual editing. Tate Publishing and my editor are going to want me to make decisions. They don’t know that I am not making decisions right now. Not making big decisions and not making little decisions. I think that I won’t be able to make any decisions until at least Halloween when I know the Texas temperatures have cooled and my children and I are all safely settled into our new homes. No decision making is going to be possible until the leaves are turning up north and the weather permits me to drive with the lid down on my car. No decisions will be made until cool and stiff breezes have cleared my head of the consequences of all the decisions I have had to make over the last 18 years. 18 years, exactly. I have decision making exhaustion.

As a small business owner and single Mom, decision making demands have been a constant and almost unbearable part of my world. In order to survive, I had to make large and small decisions. I made terrible decisions and I made great decisions. Some were made after extensive deliberation and some were made on the spot. I have been held accountable for every single decision I was forced to make. Many carry huge regret while others are still heralded as the best decisions I ever made. Some will affect me for the rest of my life and I can hardly bare to think about them and their far reaching effects. Others were but a moment on my big screen.

In the beginning, I made all my decisions on my own. I didn’t trust very many people at all and was, frankly, running exhausted and scared. Business growing, small children, mortgage, expensive divorce(s), you get the picture. I just did what I felt I had to do because at that moment in time I didn’t trust anyone. I find this interesting now because looking back, that was during a time when I trusted myself least of all. Yet, I still forced myself to make all my own decisions without counsel. What terrible decisions I made and what an ugly person I was to be around as I was making some of them.

My business grew and my children grew and the dynamics of my life changed. Instead of needing to be so hands on with both my business and my children, I noticed that I was able to use my brain power a little bit more often than my physical power. I was learning from my mistakes. I was training employees to do the tasks that in the past only I had completed. Consequently, I was able to concentrate on the cerebral side of my company. I learned the hard way that in order to really see progress and success, I needed to empower people around me. I needed to learn how to trust and depend on my employees and business associates. That meant giving some control to my banker, CPA, web man and insurance man. That meant giving some power and even a key to the employees working in the evenings.

That meant realizing that my company could grow even bigger and stronger if I didn’t need to do everything myself. That meant that I didn’t have to make ALL the decisions. Could I pick up the pieces if a bad decision was made when I wasn’t on watch? Absolutely. I learned what an amazing feeling it is to give some power away and watch it flourish and blossom. How great it felt to watch an employee stand taller and sound more decisive and strong when they were given the ability to come up with a plan without asking any questions.

I am realizing now all these years later and as the book is getting closer and closer to release date, that I want to give the decisions away again. I want small business owners all over the globe to know that they don’t need to make all of their decisions all by themselves. That they may not be the experts in every single area of their business and they just might need to place trust and power in others. In order to make the right decisions, they might not need to be the decision maker. They might need to empower those around them to take charge.

In order to make the right decisions right now, I need to not be my decision maker. In exhaustion, I want to give my decisions away to someone else. Tell me where to be, when to be there and even what I should be wearing. It’s too hot outside for me to decide.

12 Days of Silence-Yes, 12!

Two years ago right now I was submitting my application to attend a silent retreat in an Ashram in Northeast Texas. Twelve days with zero talking, very light vegan food and lots of sitting in the lotus position. No phones, no hairdryers, no makeup, no radio, no TV, no electrical anything. No reading. Nothing but you and your soul. Nothing but space, time and quiet to dig really deep. Painfully and necessarily deep. Everyone in my world thought I was bonkers to have committed myself to such a ‘holiday’. The thought that someone as out-spoken and seemingly extroverted as I could never go away for almost two weeks and not say a word was unthinkable.

To me, the idea of silence was a dreamy.

I don’t think a lot of the people in my world know me very well. Extroverts get their stimulation from the people around them. They energize themselves by feeding off of the people, personalities and events in their circle. Introverts are energized by their internal being. I am an introvert. I know how to, can and prefer to energize myself. I am happy to keep myself company. While I just adore being around others, I don’t need to be surrounded in order to be peaceful and content. I don’t have to jump up to answer the phone each time it rings in case I might be missing something going on outside my space. Most of the time I would prefer my phone not ring at all.

My favorite dinner party is the small group of 4 or 6 around a round table where meaningful conversation including all guests can take place. I am not comfortable in the large party where the room needs to be worked and everyone greeted. To an introvert like me, the large party where I might not already know everyone requires me to ‘put my personality on’. To an extrovert, a large party is stimulating and exciting. It takes me days to gear myself up for a large event and hours after to calm down. To an extravert, a large event can unfold on the spur of the moment and they are thrilled.

Have my circumstances forced me to be an extrovert? Absolutely. Does this exhaust me? Absolutely. Am I exhausted by life right now? Yes. Am I anxious to get to my authentic self? Yes. I am anxious to slow down. Settle in. Eliminate drama. Have meaningful conversations with people who matter to me.

Tate has asked me to be quiet. Specifically, ‘the month of July will be a quiet month’, while we work on your manuscript. The universe is unfolding before me and it is making itself known through Tate. I know they are working on the book and they have asked me to be quiet.

I have been begging to be quiet for a long, long time.

Once final manuscripts are submitted to production, Tate makes it very clear that no changes should be made. Apparently, most people tend to want to tweak and revise what they have written and unfortunately, if they make changes they are not usually for the better. This was a relief to hear. I thought, my manuscript is out of my hands after working, fretting and praying on it for so long. I could leave it be and know that the process had begun. I will admit that I am fretting a little bit now. I’ve made a few omissions in my writing and I am worried.

I have not instructed my small business owners to take any quiet time. While I ask them to work hard to define their ‘time’ and the ‘time’ they will take to do specific things for their business, I have not asked them to take any time for themselves. I have not asked them to be silent. If we do not get silent, how can we evaluate our actions?

We spend so much time on Plan A, enacting Plan A, throwing ourselves into Plan A, fighting to make Plan A ‘the’ plan. What if we don’t take any quiet time and come up with a Plan B? If Plan A just isn’t what the universe has ordered, there has got to be a calmly calculated Plan B waiting in the wings. How are we going to see the whole picture if we don’t take any quiet time? How are we going to be successful if we don’t get silent?

How can we honor ourselves and the position we have in the world if we don’t take time to be introspective?

I didn’t make it to my retreat. Lia had just gone off to college and I couldn’t bring myself to be away from Casey or away from the phone in case Lia needed me during her first critical weeks away. Not going was the right decision and I didn’t have any trouble making it. As a very blessed and happy Momma it would have been selfish of me to leave during that time of transition. But I just haven’t been able to get the idea of 12 days of silence in that remote location out of my mind. I think about it, dream about it and crave it, constantly.

Silent Retreat-Plan B. Plan A has run its course.