Saturday, June 25, 2011

The Bodies we Leave Behind- Part 1

I had dinner recently with a long time dear old friend. We are not a normal pair and from the outside mutual acquaintances probably wonder why we are so close. Even though we are different on many levels, we are in the same place right now-appreciative of quiet and space and full of gratitude and amazement over our respective children. Time flew while we dined, wonderful hours that felt like minutes.

While chatting we touched on a friend of my friend’s. A woman that I had had a brief encounter with years ago that, embarrassingly, didn’t turn out very prettily. I vaguely remember other people being involved and taking sides, terrible things being said and even some name calling and yelling. I remember this being a terrible time in my life. Divorcing my children’s Father, being in and out of court, trying to focus on running my business and being a new single Mom, I was not a nice person and was in anything but a nice place. This is not an excuse. I wasn’t nice and my behavior was not acceptable. Period. I take full responsibility.

What I don’t remember was what in the world our issue was. I don’t remember why we didn’t like each other and why we were so ugly and ridiculously mean. I have no idea why our claws were out and why our actions were so low and immature.

Has me wondering about the bodies we leave behind us. Running our businesses on adrenaline, how many people do we leave in our paths? Not giving the time or attention to people who could make a profound difference on our lives and the success of our business. Did we rush that interview for needing to get out the door and miss out what could have been an amazing hire? Did we cut that customer off and not listen to what they really needed causing them to take their money elsewhere? Were we thoughtlessly rude to a supplier who was just trying to take care of our business needs?

Do we forget to just stop, take a breath, live in the moment and give our full attention to someone in front of us? Do we let our emotions get out of control and not engage when we need to engage and HEAR?

I know in my heart my friend wouldn’t be so close to this woman if she wasn’t amazing. She doesn’t take relationships lightly so being close to this woman must be a blessing. How sad that I may have missed out what on what could also have been an amazing friendship. I’ve asked if I can join them for coffee someday soon. I’d like to apologize and reconnect. I’d like to recover this body instead of leaving it behind. I challenge you to stop leaving bodies behind.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Hyper Aware as my Rocket Ship Draws Closer

I find myself in a state of hyper awareness as I prepare for my own ‘rocket ship’- my silent retreat now just over a week away. I realize that every single person, abrasive, loving or neither, is in my path for a reason. There is a lesson to be learned or a connection to be made with every event, conversation and encounter.

I had a terrible, terrible day yesterday. A wildly out of control day, the kind of which used to be the norm for me when I was insanely running my business and living life-by-crisis. (Just as you are probably doing right now.) Now I am hyper aware that days like yesterday do not need to blindside me and that how I react to them makes all the difference in the world to my blood pressure and the redness in my cheeks. Not to mention relational damage. I choose to not have out of control days anymore so I am overly sensitive to how the day blindsided me and made conscience decisions in how I reacted to it.

After my hysterical day, I made it to my hotel very late. Weeping during the long dark drive like an idiot because all I really wanted was to be going home somewhere to someone special who would draw me a long soak, scrub my back, pour me a glass of wine or three and tell me that everything was going to be all right. That I was doing the right thing and what I had to offer was of value.

But somewhere between the hotel front desk and my room, I dumped my pity party and realized that I was in control of the way I responded to my day and the events that had unfolded in it and that my weeping was irrational. I realized that I needed to step back from my sense of out of control, call on my faith and take care of myself and my own circumstances. I drew my own bath, shaved my legs and fell back on my hyper-aware senses.

I worry about all small business owners who day after day are living out of control inside of their businesses and know clearly that this does NOT need to be the norm. In hindsight, I can only imagine how much more successful I would have been had I run my business in the moment in a state of full awareness every single day. How do we take the feeling of hyper awareness and translate it into how we lead, run, manage and grow our passion for our businesses into success? How do we learn to grow from a position of quiet and awareness instead of one of insanity?

This is what ‘it’ is right now, for all entrepreneurs. We have the choice to step back, lead and manage. My hope for you is that you do what you can to put yourself in a position to revisit how you are running your business, treating your customers and leading your employees. You are challenged to take the time to put yourself into a state of hyper awareness.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Proud to be a Helicopter Momma

My son Casey and I texted this morning. Then we went to church. Then we went to breakfast. Then, as if it was any other day, we hugged, kissed, said, “I love you” and ‘be safe” and getting in our separate cars, went our separate ways. Not to see each other again for at least two months.

My Momma tears were extra hot and salty as I drove away waving to him through the back window of my little green car. Same tears that fell a month ago when I said the same, “I love you more” to My Lia knowing I would not see her for almost four months.

My Lia and My Casey far away in other states while I am left behind to sweat out another dreafdul hot Austin, Texas summer. My children on their own. Me, on my own.

My friend Jack has accused me of being a hoover Momma. (Not Hoover like the vacuum cleaner; hoover like a helicopter.) This surprising revelation came on an evening when my hysteria resulting from a few overly stressful weeks was reaching a crescendo. I was in the middle of ridiculous travel, it was dark outside and I had just battled not only Houston tailgating traffic (massive diesel pickup trucks with brilliant bright spot lights speeding up turbo fast on my little green car’s tail) but too many long and drawn out cell phone conversations. Jack is such a gentleman though that he spit out this piece of information only after he had plied me with really great wine and ordered me a sublime dinner in a teeny little high-class one of a kind restaurant. My favorite kind of dining experience.

I immediately took a defensive posture. Silly me. Jack is a very brilliant man and I am very blessed to know him and his bride. They are those once in a lifetime special people and even though I have only known them a few short years, I have heard stories about them for almost two decades. They are the most generous people I will ever meet. I say this all with sincerity as blowing smoke isn’t my style.

In the windshield and beach walking time since Jack’s revelation about my parenting skills, I have come to realize that he was spot on. But not spot on as expected. Spot on as in the amount of possessiveness contained in my ‘My’ words, actions and writings. Yes, I am a hoover Momma but in a dramatically nontraditional whirling helicopter sense.

As a single Momma and business owner, my babies were forced to take care of themselves in ways no one hopes their children will ever have to take care of themselves when they are small. Nine plus mornings out of ten they got themselves up, dressed, fed and ready for school without me there. On these mornings we would see each other only in the car long enough for me to pick them up from the house and drop them off at their respective schools. More often than I care to remember, I couldn’t make it back home from work in the morning and they would have to find a way to school themselves either by calling a friend to have their parent drive them or by walking. I’ll admit now there were even a few days when they just stayed home and we called it a ‘mental health’ day because I just couldn’t play taxi.

My children learned at a very early age how to do their own laundry or sometimes it wouldn’t get done. They learned how to get their homework completed on their own. And while I was out feeding everyone else on the planet, they were getting themselves fed with whatever might be in the house and available to eat. They can boil water, bake chicken and grill their own cheese sandwiches. They can load a dishwasher, fold a bath towel and make their beds.

The three of us have had many conversations about how proud I am of their ‘life’ skills. They had no choice but to learn them. Are my children an exception? Absolutely not. There are gazillions of single parents and business owners out there whose children are raising themselves and have raised themselves. Is this a tough stretch? You bet. Might our children be better off for it? No doubt at all. Do you feel guilty? Yes, you do. Should you? No. Get over it. When your children get to college they will know how to manage their own homework, do their own laundry, get themselves and their roommates fed and get gas in their car without needing to ask how, why or how much. Your children will be much stronger and resilient to change and movement. They won’t be afraid to ask questions and seek answers from authority if needed. They will be grownup in ways some people can only hope their children could be grown up.

Am I a hoover Momma? Sure, I’ll take the title. I am a hoover Momma in that I enjoy and appreciate my children and the amazingly close connection we have. We don’t talk every day and during this long summer, I’ll be lucky to hear from them once a week. But when we do connect, we’ll want to know what is going on, where we are going, what needs to be planned, who we are each spending time with, how work is and what we can do to help each other to be as successful as possible. I don’t ask them what they ate, if their laundry is done, how they paid their bills and how they got from point A to point B. I will ask them if they are happy and I will tell them I love them madly and am proud of them and that I am the luckiest Momma in the world.

If this is hovering, I’m all over it. Thank you, Jack, for deliberately and brilliantly taking my mind off of everything else in my life on that dreadful Houston night and for paying me such a high compliment. I’d like to share it with all the other tired business owners out there who are feeling guilty right this moment for working instead of doing something for or with their children. You do deserve praise and you are setting a ‘life’ example for your children. Promise.

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