Out of the Silence, a Love Letter

The plan was to spend a significant amount of time during my week long silent retreat writing lots of thought provoking blog posts with messages, per usual, about ways for you to propel yourself towards success. I planned to give plenty of ‘food for thought’ with words about what you need to be thinking about in order to achieve your dreams. In my time of quiet, I knew I would be able to focus on what needed to be said to help you grow your business and grow your sense of satisfaction within it.

Instead, with no phone, no computer, no talking and no one, Praise God, talking to me, I wrote longhand, a 200+ page love letter to My children, Lia and Casey.

I’ve been writing ad nausea about getting quiet and how within it you would be able to see what you needed to do for your business, yourself and your family. I’ve tried to convey that if you didn’t achieve peace, you would not achieve success on any level. My Skeeter used to say to me, “You can run your business, but your sure can’t run your personal life”. In hindsight, if I had spent some time in silence, I just might have figured out how to be successful both professionally and personally, at the same time. I wouldn’t have had the ups and downs I did along the way.

This quote make infinitely more sense to me now: “A smart man makes a mistake, learns from it, and never makes that mistake again. A wise man finds a smart man and learns from him how to avoid that mistake altogether.” I was the smart man and out of the silence of this week long retreat, I am going to do what I can to be wise. Please, I implore, learn from me.

The love letter to My children is beyond powerful. Stories from my youth, from my marriages, lessons I have learned, have not yet learned and lessons I am desperate for them to learn from me. In long hand, everything I wish for them now and on into their futures. How much I love them and why and all the blessings I want laid out for them. How they have blessed me in unbelievable ways and how I know their children will also shower with me blessings unimaginable. Writing this letter over these last six days has been one of the most dynamic things I have ever done and I am amazed beyond compare to have had the quiet time to do it. Writing it had as much to do with healing and empowering me as I hope it empowers and blesses My babies.

Stop. Now. Make concrete plans to get silent. Write a love letter. Then and only then, get back to work.

The Bodies we Leave Behind- Part 1

I had dinner recently with a long time dear old friend. We are not a normal pair and from the outside mutual acquaintances probably wonder why we are so close. Even though we are different on many levels, we are in the same place right now-appreciative of quiet and space and full of gratitude and amazement over our respective children. Time flew while we dined, wonderful hours that felt like minutes.

While chatting we touched on a friend of my friend’s. A woman that I had had a brief encounter with years ago that, embarrassingly, didn’t turn out very prettily. I vaguely remember other people being involved and taking sides, terrible things being said and even some name calling and yelling. I remember this being a terrible time in my life. Divorcing my children’s Father, being in and out of court, trying to focus on running my business and being a new single Mom, I was not a nice person and was in anything but a nice place. This is not an excuse. I wasn’t nice and my behavior was not acceptable. Period. I take full responsibility.

What I don’t remember was what in the world our issue was. I don’t remember why we didn’t like each other and why we were so ugly and ridiculously mean. I have no idea why our claws were out and why our actions were so low and immature.

Has me wondering about the bodies we leave behind us. Running our businesses on adrenaline, how many people do we leave in our paths? Not giving the time or attention to people who could make a profound difference on our lives and the success of our business. Did we rush that interview for needing to get out the door and miss out what could have been an amazing hire? Did we cut that customer off and not listen to what they really needed causing them to take their money elsewhere? Were we thoughtlessly rude to a supplier who was just trying to take care of our business needs?

Do we forget to just stop, take a breath, live in the moment and give our full attention to someone in front of us? Do we let our emotions get out of control and not engage when we need to engage and HEAR?

I know in my heart my friend wouldn’t be so close to this woman if she wasn’t amazing. She doesn’t take relationships lightly so being close to this woman must be a blessing. How sad that I may have missed out what on what could also have been an amazing friendship. I’ve asked if I can join them for coffee someday soon. I’d like to apologize and reconnect. I’d like to recover this body instead of leaving it behind. I challenge you to stop leaving bodies behind.

Hyper Aware as my Rocket Ship Draws Closer

I find myself in a state of hyper awareness as I prepare for my own ‘rocket ship’- my silent retreat now just over a week away. I realize that every single person, abrasive, loving or neither, is in my path for a reason. There is a lesson to be learned or a connection to be made with every event, conversation and encounter.

I had a terrible, terrible day yesterday. A wildly out of control day, the kind of which used to be the norm for me when I was insanely running my business and living life-by-crisis. (Just as you are probably doing right now.) Now I am hyper aware that days like yesterday do not need to blindside me and that how I react to them makes all the difference in the world to my blood pressure and the redness in my cheeks. Not to mention relational damage. I choose to not have out of control days anymore so I am overly sensitive to how the day blindsided me and made conscience decisions in how I reacted to it.

After my hysterical day, I made it to my hotel very late. Weeping during the long dark drive like an idiot because all I really wanted was to be going home somewhere to someone special who would draw me a long soak, scrub my back, pour me a glass of wine or three and tell me that everything was going to be all right. That I was doing the right thing and what I had to offer was of value.

But somewhere between the hotel front desk and my room, I dumped my pity party and realized that I was in control of the way I responded to my day and the events that had unfolded in it and that my weeping was irrational. I realized that I needed to step back from my sense of out of control, call on my faith and take care of myself and my own circumstances. I drew my own bath, shaved my legs and fell back on my hyper-aware senses.

I worry about all small business owners who day after day are living out of control inside of their businesses and know clearly that this does NOT need to be the norm. In hindsight, I can only imagine how much more successful I would have been had I run my business in the moment in a state of full awareness every single day. How do we take the feeling of hyper awareness and translate it into how we lead, run, manage and grow our passion for our businesses into success? How do we learn to grow from a position of quiet and awareness instead of one of insanity?

This is what ‘it’ is right now, for all entrepreneurs. We have the choice to step back, lead and manage. My hope for you is that you do what you can to put yourself in a position to revisit how you are running your business, treating your customers and leading your employees. You are challenged to take the time to put yourself into a state of hyper awareness.

Proud to be a Helicopter Momma

My son Casey and I texted this morning. Then we went to church. Then we went to breakfast. Then, as if it was any other day, we hugged, kissed, said, “I love you” and ‘be safe” and getting in our separate cars, went our separate ways. Not to see each other again for at least two months.

My Momma tears were extra hot and salty as I drove away waving to him through the back window of my little green car. Same tears that fell a month ago when I said the same, “I love you more” to My Lia knowing I would not see her for almost four months.

My Lia and My Casey far away in other states while I am left behind to sweat out another dreafdul hot Austin, Texas summer. My children on their own. Me, on my own.

My friend Jack has accused me of being a hoover Momma. (Not Hoover like the vacuum cleaner; hoover like a helicopter.) This surprising revelation came on an evening when my hysteria resulting from a few overly stressful weeks was reaching a crescendo. I was in the middle of ridiculous travel, it was dark outside and I had just battled not only Houston tailgating traffic (massive diesel pickup trucks with brilliant bright spot lights speeding up turbo fast on my little green car’s tail) but too many long and drawn out cell phone conversations. Jack is such a gentleman though that he spit out this piece of information only after he had plied me with really great wine and ordered me a sublime dinner in a teeny little high-class one of a kind restaurant. My favorite kind of dining experience.

I immediately took a defensive posture. Silly me. Jack is a very brilliant man and I am very blessed to know him and his bride. They are those once in a lifetime special people and even though I have only known them a few short years, I have heard stories about them for almost two decades. They are the most generous people I will ever meet. I say this all with sincerity as blowing smoke isn’t my style.

In the windshield and beach walking time since Jack’s revelation about my parenting skills, I have come to realize that he was spot on. But not spot on as expected. Spot on as in the amount of possessiveness contained in my ‘My’ words, actions and writings. Yes, I am a hoover Momma but in a dramatically nontraditional whirling helicopter sense.

As a single Momma and business owner, my babies were forced to take care of themselves in ways no one hopes their children will ever have to take care of themselves when they are small. Nine plus mornings out of ten they got themselves up, dressed, fed and ready for school without me there. On these mornings we would see each other only in the car long enough for me to pick them up from the house and drop them off at their respective schools. More often than I care to remember, I couldn’t make it back home from work in the morning and they would have to find a way to school themselves either by calling a friend to have their parent drive them or by walking. I’ll admit now there were even a few days when they just stayed home and we called it a ‘mental health’ day because I just couldn’t play taxi.

My children learned at a very early age how to do their own laundry or sometimes it wouldn’t get done. They learned how to get their homework completed on their own. And while I was out feeding everyone else on the planet, they were getting themselves fed with whatever might be in the house and available to eat. They can boil water, bake chicken and grill their own cheese sandwiches. They can load a dishwasher, fold a bath towel and make their beds.

The three of us have had many conversations about how proud I am of their ‘life’ skills. They had no choice but to learn them. Are my children an exception? Absolutely not. There are gazillions of single parents and business owners out there whose children are raising themselves and have raised themselves. Is this a tough stretch? You bet. Might our children be better off for it? No doubt at all. Do you feel guilty? Yes, you do. Should you? No. Get over it. When your children get to college they will know how to manage their own homework, do their own laundry, get themselves and their roommates fed and get gas in their car without needing to ask how, why or how much. Your children will be much stronger and resilient to change and movement. They won’t be afraid to ask questions and seek answers from authority if needed. They will be grownup in ways some people can only hope their children could be grown up.

Am I a hoover Momma? Sure, I’ll take the title. I am a hoover Momma in that I enjoy and appreciate my children and the amazingly close connection we have. We don’t talk every day and during this long summer, I’ll be lucky to hear from them once a week. But when we do connect, we’ll want to know what is going on, where we are going, what needs to be planned, who we are each spending time with, how work is and what we can do to help each other to be as successful as possible. I don’t ask them what they ate, if their laundry is done, how they paid their bills and how they got from point A to point B. I will ask them if they are happy and I will tell them I love them madly and am proud of them and that I am the luckiest Momma in the world.

If this is hovering, I’m all over it. Thank you, Jack, for deliberately and brilliantly taking my mind off of everything else in my life on that dreadful Houston night and for paying me such a high compliment. I’d like to share it with all the other tired business owners out there who are feeling guilty right this moment for working instead of doing something for or with their children. You do deserve praise and you are setting a ‘life’ example for your children. Promise.

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Dreaming about a Spicy Bloody Mary!

Last time I gave a lengthy speech it was to a massive room full of tired dietary managers. My concentration was on spices and how they could make a difference in the foods they were preparing and presenting. The whole interactive session had everything to do with empowering them in their kitchens with new ideas. While an energizing event, I can remember one very non-responsive woman sitting in the front row directly in front of me. Arms crossed, I couldn’t tell if she was completely absorbed in the differences between spices and herbs or if she had checked herself out somewhere. I pride myself on the interaction between myself and my audience so her cross armed demeanor was quite off putting.

Towards the end of my presentation we were happily on a tangent discussing less common spices and on a whim I asked the group when they might use Celery Salt. My totally nonresponsive woman in the front row actually threw her hand in the air, jumped to her feet and yelled out quite loudly, “Bloody Mary’s.” Seriously. She was the only person in the room who responded to this question in a room full of people who prior to now had been quite responsive and vocal. It was a spectacular moment and I remember just hugging her afterwards in gratitude. There was a connection! She had absorbed every word!

Just two nights ago I gave a very small speech to an amazing room of people attending the celebration for the national release of my book. I find it more difficult to talk to a room full of people you know than it is to talk to strangers and ask them to interact. This was a wildly special group of people and I wanted to give them everything I had besides making sure they left with some nugget from the evening. A light bulb moment from something I said, a connection with a new person, a reconnection. A spark. A seed. An idea.

While the event was to celebrate what I had done, I wanted the evening to have absolutely nothing to do with me. I wanted the evening to have everything to do with the power of dreaming. I had agonized over what I was going to wear, what I was going to say, the fact that my children weren’t there all for naught. (Though My Casey traveled straight from Colorado to surprise me!) What was most important was the fact that everyone was there in that room for a reason. They had traveled to this place in deathly hot summer evening traffic to celebrate me when all that really mattered was that they celebrate themselves.

I dreamt the book and I did it. Now I need to move onto the new dream. My hope in the afterglow of last Tuesday night is that someone in the room has since jumped up and raised their hand to the universe and told it what their dream is. That they made a connection and vocalized plans to follow up.

Do you have a dream for your business? Do you have a dream for your life? We are only here one time and the time for you to start dreaming is right now, this moment. Big dreaming, please.

Now I would really like a great Bloody Mary!

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Advertising by the Seat of your Pants?

I am fascinated by amazing advertising campaigns. I picture a close-knit and happy advertising team sitting around a dramatic board room table surrounded by floor to ceiling windows. They are eating delicious gourmet snacks, brainstorming and feeding off of each other as they come up with ideas and slogans that will make enough impact last a lifetime. Some great ads we will remember without even remembering the product they were subliminally pushing. I love these ads.

Here I am in Texas in May where we have already sweated through more than one 100 plus degree day. Here I am in Texas already depressed by these 100 plus degree days hiding in my hotel room with the AC turned down to 65 and with the curtains tightly closed to the ridiculously bright sun. TV turned onto unnecessary and unwanted background noise. But then there is this commercial, again. A commercial with snow in it. A car commercial with snow it in and in one hour I believe I have seen it 5 times. Car Company showing a commercial excited about showing how their car handles in the snow and the awards it has won for great handling. In the snow.

How much money did this company pay to show this commercial in the southern states in May where it is already the dead of summer and over 100 plus degrees outside, in the freaking shade? Could they be any more clueless or wasteful? Hardly.

Are you doing any advertising besides word of mouth? If so, WHAT are you doing and have you clearly indentified WHO are you talking to? Are you talking in the language your customers are most comfortable using? Are you spending your advertising dollars on what your customers want and need to hear? Are you flying by the seat of your pants with your advertising budget or are you getting trusted professional advice? Can you account for your advertising dollars and are you tracking the result of their expense?

Please commit to being dialed into what your customers need to hear about your company and what it has to offer. Please commit to being effective with your advertising campaign. Please committ to NOT advertising by the seat of your pants.

The commercial just came on AGAIN! The Mitsubishi Highlander. It’s won five awards for the way it handles in the snow. Just saying… I’m turning the AC down, again.

Feeling Like a Winner!

What a relief it can be to lose! There is a liberating feeling to be able to say, ‘you win’ and ‘I give’. We are taught that the best highs come from winning. From coming out on top. From getting what you want or think you want. Believe me now when I tell you a high can come from saying, ‘you win and I am not playing this game anymore’.

I have been in a loose, loose situation. A situation that I knew I would never ‘win’. I didn’t want to ‘win’ nor did I want or ask for the fight. I wanted everyone to play nice and get along or even pretend to get along because, frankly, there was no grown up reason not to. I was mistaken. I wanted to be a grown up and move forward with mature boundaries. Unfortunately, I was the only one who felt this way.

I can remember feeling this way only once before. I had to fire a customer. Yes, you heard me right. I had to fire a a very demanding customer. One who felt they knew my job and the abilities of my company better than I. A customer who felt it was within their right to boss my employees around and make unreasonable demands. This customer pushed the envelope in directions that I was not willing to go for reasons that were sound. So, I fired them and took the negative energy my employees and I were sending in their direction and turned it into positive energy that went in new and very productive directions. It was a whole ‘close a door and open a window’ event and the result was stronger business and better customer relationships elsewhere.

Was this an easy decision? No, not at all. This customer paid on time and did great business with my company. They were a top 10 customer many months in a row. I lost a lot of sleep over the thought of losing their cash flow. But, they were draining me and my staff’s emotional energy in an unhealthy and unprofessional manner. So, I had to finally be responsible and fire them.

Just like now, I’ve been backed into a corner and as a result have reached firing mode. I’ve lost and in loosing I hope to feel like a winner. In loosing, I plan to move forward. When is the last time you were happy to loose and in doing so moved forward? When was the last time you closed a door and a window miraculously opened?

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